Have you ever got so caught up in a lie you told,
you started believing it yourself.
Have you ever lost a best friend because the lies you told, – I'm fine no really I'm fine-
Were just too much for him to handle. – No your not talk to me please-
I admit the lies I told were out of control, but if I stopped lying, stopped covering up the lies with more lies, then everyone would of known the truth, you would've known the truth. And I just wasn't ready for that. - I'm still not-
I wanted help in the beginning when the depression wasn't so bad and the thoughts of death weren't quite so frequent. You tried to help, you did help, but somethings just don't go away with a few late night phone calls and walks around town – that were suppose to show me there was more out there to life then just fantasy.-You did help though a little and the depression got better just to get a whole lot worse and the thoughts of death came less often just to come back full force. - And you never did know what to do with that- [I was always choosing Sanity over reality, living in fantasy, and it's not happenings, but you made me feel alive, and that terrified me] I wanted to let you in, wanted to tell you everything,to show you what it was that made me the way I am today, but I was scared, so damn scared. I had never wanted to let someone in as much as I did you. Never wanted to share my pain, with anyone but you. And that scared the hell outta me, I liked you so much, - I fell in love with you from the start.- and I didn't want you to run away when you found out the truth, found out why I was so...detached. So I pushed you away, thinking maybe it would hurt less when you left, knowing that yes it was my fault but it wasn't rejection it was just me. I pushed you away, pushed till you finally just gave up trying, and you have no idea how much that hurt, because I wanted to tell you everything. - but somethings really are better left unsaid.- And I thought it would hurt less but the truth is I think it just hurt more.
And I knew, you knew, we could never be just friends but we tired, tired to act as though nothing was there- but even you couldn't stop the hand that lingered too long or the way your eyes stayed longer on me then on her.- And we were together everyday and soon it escalated to promises of forever together. And she never knew. They all expected , they all talked but no one knew the truth because I've always been a good actress – how do you think no one was able to see through my lies ....till you-
You promised me forever but all I got was a few months of whispered 'I love you's' and chaste kisses in the dark – because if she found out...if anyone found out-
And she was my best-friend, but it didn't matter, because I loved the way you looked at me, it was like I actually mattered, and the way you touched me, you didn't care if I was fragile, your grip was almost always painful, but it made it so much better, you didn't worry about breaking me, because you already knew I was broken from the start.
And you were the only one who made me feel like I wasn't worthless, like I actually meant something.
You were the only constant I had ever had, the only thing I was sure would never leave. That would stick by for it all ,the depression, the attempts - if it ever came to that - , the smiles, the tears, all the ups and downs, -but you couldn't handle that either-And you may not believe it but you kept me grounded, kept me from falling off the edge,and completely breaking down. You helped me get through the days when all I had wanted was an end. You kept me alive and breathing because I finally had something -Someone- to breathe for.
Somewhere along the line I lost sight of my reason for not letting people help me for not accepting it, and you say now it was for the attention, but I thought you knew I hated the attention, hated being the center of every gossip ring, of every rumored conversation. I thought you knew I hated the attention, that the reasons I stopped was because I didn't think I deserved it, - because in all honesty I didn't. - I didn't want to be here anymore and I didn't know what to do, you tried to help but even you started hated me when they did too.
- And you left with 'I just can't do this anymore' barely touching your lips-
Even after you left you were still there, in the hallways at school or the streets of the town where we both grew up in, or even the dreams I had – when I did have dreams and the nightmares let me rest for the night.- You were everywhere and seeing you when I was upset, just wanting to run into your arms, killed me that much more. And even after you had heard about what happened to me, a few short months after you left, you acted like you didn't care, like I didn't matter to you – that I never did....and maybe I didn't-
And sometimes I think you knew what you were doing, but I try not to think to hard because of what it would mean if you did.- It would mean you didnt really care at all -
And can you believe I forgot the actual reason we stopped talking, I mean I know that part of it was me and what was going on with me but there was more to it then that - wasn't there--
I've gotten a little better since then, the depression is still there, and everyone in a while thoughts of death will creep back up and get me thinking. And somedays I don't think I'm worth all the fuss I get from the people I let in now- not completely but enough so I'm not going crazy....maybe I should let them in a little more- But I can't because every time I let someone in I just get hurt - you know all about that- and my trust in people is almost non-existent anymore but I'm trying, opening up a little more, but there's still something holding me back from doing so completely - and I think that might be you- But I have gotten a little better since me and you, I talk, I go out more, I do things, - I also do a lot of pretending[ but that's a-whole-nother story] -
Still sometime I remember the nights spent in your room, with talks of running away and disappearing forever – well it was more me talking and you listening- and the whispered 'I love you's' said in the last few moments between awake and asleep. And how the chaste kisses in the dark, made our love seem all that more real – because it was ours and no one elses.- I remember the way your fingers felt in my hair when I'd lay my head in your lap, and the way your hands seemed to fit perfectly together -or maybe that was just my[our] imagination- I remember the way we used to be in the middle because the beginning was rocky and the ending was a disaster, but the middle, the middle was everything I wanted -needed-.
And you may not care anymore and I have moved on too But still sometimes when the night is warm and the stars shine, -or its pitch black and freezing- I remember how it used to be, and sometimes I catch myself wishing.....- but I stop myself cause I know its never gonna happen[ although I'm not sure why anymore] -
I'm really sorry for all I put you thru .....I miss you
&& I'll remember you as the kind hearted boy
I fell in love with as long as you remember me
As the put together girl you once
[Thought you] knew.
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this is the second version of this because I lost the first one ....
I might add more but I don't know yet so.....
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disappointed
lethargic
contemplative
confused